I haven’t blogged for a while now.
I haven’t even been online as much as I used to either. I am now feeling a bit more comfortable speaking about things right now and so I will write. The struggle is real and I don’t even talk about it with a lot of people.
Anxiety can be debilitating at times. It is not like a voice from outside you. It’s a voice within you and it’s not always loud. Sometimes it’s like a whisper that comes and goes many times. Sometimes it works its way to twist a small worry into a big one. I thought that I could handle these anxiety attacks because I managed them around the beginning of the year. But it turns out that around May this year, the anxiety attacks got so intense that I began to isolate myself. Social situations have been rough for me even if it’s just online interaction, honestly. Even meeting with people face to face has been tough. It’s like I am back to my old self from many years ago: the girl who would want to go home all of a sudden when she learns that there’s going be more than five people attending a meet, a meet that has been planned even before. Even if they are people I already know, I have been panicking just at the thought of seeing so many. It’s irrational, I know. Nobody said that social anxiety is rational, right? I used to think that I was capable of handling that already, that I outgrew it. Well, it’s back with a vengeance and even if I hate it so much, I cannot just fight it all the time because it gets tiring. I am learning ways to deal with it and if I need to speak with someone about it, I try to reach out. It’s a work in progress, that reaching out thing. But one has to start taking baby steps, right?
Just last week, I had this realization that my mind is like a hank of yarn. You need to unwind/unloop it then wind it into a ball, skein or cake of yarn it so that you could use it for a crochet project. If you just use it directly from the hank, you’d end up tangling the strands. That’s not fun at all. Am I saying that my mind is loopy? Well, in a sense it is. It keeps on looping back into the worries, the fears, and everything that gets me so stressed out. So right now, I am learning to observe myself by logging my daily mood, food intake, exercise, etc. As well as taking note of things that I am working on, need to work on. The latter part is hard for me lately because I cannot focus at all. Sometimes I work on something and then I stop because I am worried about how bad it will turn out. It’s like working with a hank of yarn when that happens – I pull at an idea and work on it but it gets tangled with the worries and so I end up stopping in the middle of things.
One of the things that has been sorta helping me get back into things is crochet. I think that the repetitions in the patterns have been helping me see that maybe there’s a pattern to things, that they are workable, just take it one row at a time. Having a tangible output makes me feel that I accomplished something usable and that contributes to the good mood. I used to avoid working on shawls but I realize now why people like making them: the repetitions are predictable, and when you are done after so long and you’re using the shawl, it feels good to see what you have done.
I am still not ok but I guess by making this post, I am asking for people to be patient with me. I am sorry for being absent but I will try to get back into the world slowly, integrating myself with people.